Sunday, September 18, 2011

Thank You All But Could You Also Help Me In This?

i asked the driver to raise the voice of the radio because i had caught the voice and was wanting to listen to it like it resounded with a home theater effect inside the all closed car. It was raining heavily outside and the hissing, grating sound of the wiper was acting the spoiler. i listened first rapt and continued listening to it in my head even when the voice ended and another melodious voice belted out another popular Urdu poetry by the same person whose voice i was hearing. The other melodious singer faded into the background.
This is what i heard.

Although i wish i had a better video to share. One that had the actual person reciting. His voice flooding me with a barrage of emotions first. Then my attempting to stroke those goose pimples which appear suddenly even when it is  warm and sultry.
In any case it is not because of any chill that i feel rather with what all i feel for this person whom i always address as Gulzar Saheb just like so many others do. Somehow just Gulzar sounds not only rude but also very disrespectful.
i wish i had a word or words to describe that voice. About the gentleman himself i have many.

There are times when i also wish for a long but genuine list of followers from whom there could be a mutual exchange of ideas, thoughts, questions asked first and then answered honestly.
It was not the general idea when i started blogging. In fact i least understood what followers are supposed to do or be.
Then someone came to my blog and becomes my FIRST follower.
Afterwards there is one whose questions are answered by all including me sometimes with a lot of enthusiasm and sincerity.

That first follower has a special place in my mind, heart because he ( i know that it's a he thanks to his identity) encouraged a nonentity like me when he is too good in his writing. i have enjoyed his wit, his humor, his intellectual thoughts on issues and also his passing random thoughts. Sometimes when i have words i convey my thoughts through comments, other times i appreciate but mostly read his blogs when and if he posts a new one. His last post leaves me in the lurch because it shows an interesting teaser of a picture and the title of the post but the moment i click on the post i get this instead of the post," Sry the blog you are looking for does not exist...". There are a list of options and although i've tried the options i am not able to see this particular which is his latest. Maybe i'll go to his last post and leave him a message.

It was when he presented me a badge which germinated another urge.
Although the badge had certain rules i found it extremely difficult to follow the rules not only because i hadn't read many blogs but also because i was not too comfortable at being discriminatory or biased in my opinion. Furthermore i hadn't read many and was myself a follower of just a few of which some were my own friends whom i knew.
i was happy with just being an impartial audience. Actually i still am so far as blogs are concerned.
So the urge was to know how he looks like in person. i actually checked him out on Facebook and found an image that matched this Scientist working on his researches abroad. i could be wrong but some intuition tells me that the black and white thoughtful profile (actually a profile shot) of a bespectacled person is him.
That urge withered as soon as it had germinated as i wondered how many are checking me out.

Then there is this blogger whose posts i eagerly await and a couple of his posts i have even shared on Facebook. He makes me laugh and on those two instances i felt like sharing the laughter.
His being an atheist does not put me off the least bit because i am not only entertained but enlightened with his logical reasonings. i understand his silence on my posts which have a religious bend. But enjoy his infrequent comments on others in which sometimes he mocks and other times, appreciates. His best ones are when he advises without getting the real essence of what i'm trying to say.
It generally happens with my posts which are often like the movie 'Inception' and i don't blame him. i look forward to his words with added fervor because then i like improving upon myself  knowing very well that there's someone out there who is trying to be helpful with his, " Hello Shivani... I am listening..."

Now i'm wondering if this post too may turn out to be the one having layers within layers. Although frankly speaking there are only two layers to this which have been summed up in the title of the post.

There also are a few poets whom i follow because these poets leave me astounded. Their poetry easy to feel, understand and relate to.  i have a clearer vision of some beautifully genuine people who reaffirm my faith in being good naturally no matter how or what the world sees you to be.
i lack the skill for composing anything lyrical and that probably could be one of the reasons i have deep respect and admiration for poets whose words have often substantiated like other forms of writing that, ''Pen is mightier than the sword.''
i must confess though that there have been some where i am not able to go deep enough and on such occasions i am glad i feel free to ask for the latent/ suggestive meaning.

There is one particular blogger who entered my life because of his delightful posts on Nature. Flowering trees, Birds, Insects and through his blogs i became more sensitive towards the creatures great and small, beautiful and repulsive, meek and intimidating. It was easy to approach this blogger personally as he had provided an email address with his post. Then started this silsila (schemeof things, order) also known as sought out friendship. First a, 'Thank You' because his post helped me know the name of a beautiful flowering avenue tree, then some chats on the computer, later exchanging of phone numbers and phone calls and now we are friends. We haven't met as yet but i am sure i will meet this Naturalist who provides me with cool companionship, reciprocates my good wishes, answers most of my queries and corrects my wrong identification without any fuss or clamor for credits.
For him my words are not my own but a borrowed one again and it sounds every bit like the good wishes for my known and much- desired- by- me- friends.
Sure i'm under some influence and this influence prompts me towards words that have the same flavor...if not the exact.
"Dur Rhkar Bhi Hamse Vasta Rakhna,
Mulakaat Na Sahi Pr Bato Ka Silsila Rakhna.
Chu Lo Asma Ko Tum, Ye Meri Tammanah,
Pr Hm Tk Vapasi Ka Rasta Rakna."

i am happy today because i have just met another like him and his posts on nature and it's creations reverberate mine. In fact all of the few posts that i have visited makes me dump everything and go through his posts one by one. A well deserved 200- plus- followers- blogger whose posts elicit more than 50 comments.
It may sound false but i don't care how it sounds but i feel honored and humbled when he dropped at my post and exchanged notes. i hope this is the start of another satisfying and enriching SILSILA. Can't help having such expectations. His posts are like that.
Plus he is not like the usual one liner or two words commentor and i really like that sharing of thoughts in a manner which says," I am with you, heard what you just said and this is what i feel..."
And in addition to my gratitude i have the same good wish but i hope the essence of my good wishes are not lost in translation.
Though Distances Let Us Maintain That Relationship
No Meeting But Let's Talk To Each Other
Wish You Touch The Skies, This Is My Deep Desire
But Keep Intact That Path/Road That Leads You Back To Me.

Recently just a few days back i met another sensitive blogger on whom i have pinned my hopes on being a frequent visitor. She too feels honest and sensitive and i look forward to her honest reflections. And through her i have hopes on another.

My Blogdost...i prefer to call him that always. Just like my FIRST he too holds a special place in my heart and mind. We've been loyal to each other since the time i started. His absence makes me miss him to the degree/intensity with which i miss Chennai. And this is what i did.
Scared and bullied with my negative thoughts i approached his son who is also a keen and committed Technical blogger, just to find out if he was okay health wise and otherwise.
i then got a prompt reply which gave me so much relief. God Bless the young aspiring Engineer and may he find success in all his endeavors.
The words of a kind and good son were very soon followed by uplifting- my- spirits- hello from my Blogdost himself through which he apprised me of his hectic schedule, intense backpack travelling and some loose ends that kept him busy so far as his health was concerned.
i wish him good stead and am eager for those words that will arrive with a bang for he sure will want to share so much.
i know the reason for this joy that i feel.
He heard my ''Dur Rhkar Bhi...."

i feel happy but i am still bullied by thoughts for this one too who gave me my second badge. As anyone can see i own two most precious to me badges. Not that i hanker for badges but it feels nice when someone calls you a ' Beautiful' or a 'Versatile' blogger. Once again i have not been honest with the badge because of my own failings to single out some and leave the rest. i am not being goody goody here but i find all the bloggers i follow as beautiful and versatile.
i long to see this fellow blogger whose last post informed me and others of his packing and moving from the foreign land and returning to his roots, India and enjoying every morsel of the food of his land that he missed all those years when he was abroad. He sounded as happy as the kid who is desperate for that last bell to ring in school. The one which announces dismissal and the boisterous, fun ride/ walk back home.
i wish and hope he is not regretting his decision. i already know of some who are.
Silently i hope and pray that he is doing good. Mostly i look for that pleasant surprise which announces his arrival and much awaited by me ( probably others too) comeback.

Similarly i wish good health to another whom i can't see after her last post through which i gather that she's coping with a bad bout of lower back problem. Her post was enlightening always and i hope she is able to peel the onion again. Soon...

Yet another blogger whom i met at a bloggers meet in Chennai graced me with her presence just the very next day when i did a post on the bloggers meet.
It is because of her blogs that i seem to be getting that longing. Not always but sometimes when i have questions or when i want to know more.
Unlike me she is very popular. A busy lady who blogs frequently.
Her blogs are short, interesting, complimented and supplemented wonderfully by the images, poetry, paintings, posters of sayings, she uses. Creative in her thoughts and portrayal, her blogs end with a question eliciting answers and i see that she get's her due quite handsomely.
It is by habitually reading her blog that i am getting this longing too now.
It really would feel great to know from others about what you would want to know than just be groping in the dark.

But before i go to my question i have to linger, sense and absorb the affection and be grateful to my friends and my kith and kin who despite their hectic schedule find the inclination and the time to go through my posts.
They should know better that had it not been for them i would not have taken this journey of self discovery.
They knew before anybody that i should stop tossing, turning, writhing and withering in my own restlessness and made time for myself.

Now to the question, i am having right now.
It is about people...their looks...their voices.

i know what they mean or what it means to be Elegant, Dignified or even Sexy but am clueless about these. DebonairSuaveSvelte. i know there would be more of such genres but at the moment if i could distinguish between these it would suffice.

About voices i am still worse and use words quite often without really understanding the distinctions.
Rich, throaty and husky i understand and use them correctly in my explanations but VelvetyMellifluous, Honeyed, Silvery, Smooth, Golden...and there are many others.
It's rather strange that i have no qualms nor queries about these- Shaky; Rough; Hoarse; Husky; Piercing; Rumbling; Quavering; Deep; Growling; Gravelly; Thunderous...
Thus anything or everything of the male voice that sounds good to me is DEEP or just Beautiful.

Some voice that has appealed and allured me greatly to the extent of being bewitched. Why is it that i find lacking in my comprehension to express in words that which should correctly also convey my feelings.
It could be that like other things i am not richly endowed with skills in demonstrative adjectives.
Or it could be that demonstrative adjectives that distinguish might differ from person to person.
Maybe for the time being i can console myself with some sensible reasoning.
Just like it's for the connoisseurs to make out the distinct quality of wines, perfumes, tea, sounds...and the rest.  i am no such. Therefore i should just keep loving the voice and rest in peace.

But the fact of the matter is, i can not. i am looking for words.

i am cajoled by my own explanations that it's okay if i can't distinguish between debonair, suave and svelte and maybe call all as a general ' Beautiful' if i find them attractive enough but i can't seem to quell that restlessness every time i address the voice to be beautiful. Somehow that particular word does not satisfy me. To me it sounds not only hopelessly cliched but also like an understatement.

And i wish i could get some inputs to describe this voice that brings goose pimples of a wanting kind every time i hear it. The goose pimples could be because of the extremely thought provoking and touching poetry but the voice that you want to run back to always, listening catching every pause even, what about that voice?
-Is it velvety or is it smooth?
- Is it throaty or deep?
-Is it..???. Oh dear me! i don't have even have enough words for posing the questions even.
 How do i describe that voice which is much more than just deep, rich, throaty, velvety or smooth?
Or am i using the wrong words here?

i wish my fellow bloggers could oblige me with theirs as to how would they would describe this voice too which recites the poetry of Gulzar Saheb.
And i'm telling myself this lest my requests are not heard.
Some feelings might not have the exact words...
i remind myself not to feel disappointed if i don't get anything.

In a way i feel relieved too that i have limited followers.
i am content with what i have said...and asked...
Or this post too would have stretched like always...
And i am at peace that i made no such attempts to make it any less.
However i sincerely hope i have not missed out anyone in acknowledging and asking.
It was not intentional.

How can i forget that it's a Sunday. Just a few minutes back the earth shook for quite a while. We ran downstairs and as i stood seeing the animated faces of people asking me about the shaking i sensed some dread mixed with that anxiety of unfinished jobs. Jobs not as jobs per se but something that would give me satisfaction and make me feel just a little more easy. So of the many unfinished jobs this also was one and i cursed myself for not thanking my fellow bloggers, friends, relatives on the completion of my hundredth post. Lot many do that. Thanking their fellow bloggers on the completion of their century. i cajoled myself once again. " Never mind it's there...that gratefulness... and if everything turns okay then i shall go back to my computer and do it..right NOW."
Thus this...along with my prayers for those who perhaps would not be as fortunate as me. The shakes which stopped after sometime informed me and the others that the epicenter was somewhere...
Soon on TV we shall all know...
Call it a co-incidence but Red apart from other things also stands for AWAKENING.
                                                                  Color for Sunday-Red

                                                                                                       Red Amaryllis




  1. Hi Shivani, Congrats on your 100th post.

    With regds to your question..I don't understand the language (so I hope I don't offend) but the voice sounds very masculine and mature (there's another word to add to that list) but also weary as if in really deep thought at the same time.

    I would like to know what he is saying.

    Pray Mother Earth calms down.

  2. Dear Dear BM, how i love ur words. My apologies first, i wanted to give a translation of the Urdu poetry but reserved the thought primarily because i wanted this post of mine not to have too many layers and just concentrate on the voice PART and ALSO to show my gratitude to you and all.
    But don't u worry i am planning on two separate posts which will feature both the poetry with an apt translation in English.i shall inform u when i do that. This form of poetry is called Ghazal pronounced ghuzzle. The gh is difficult to pronounce correctly but if you have Moslem friends they might teach you how to say it correctly.
    i accept your wishes with utmost humility but can't help correcting you in this though. This is my 114th and not the 100th post.Maybe you could read the last part again to see what i mean.
    oops...maybe once again my post had 3 or more layers. Can't help it BM i intend on something but the post ends up writing itself...hahaha.
    Thank you BM for ur time and also for being the first on this one.

  3. Thanks for whatever you have written on your blog. I dont think I deserve all that you have written. Anyway...if I have made a difference I am glad and happy...thanks.

    Best wishes,

  4. @Karthik thank you for taking that time out and hearing, listening to what i had to say.
    Your humility deepens my respect for you and i hope u felt that sincerity in my words through which i had to convey. i meant every word i said and i always count on you for my doubts on nature...all the creations...great and small...

  5. shivani,

    bahut gahri hai awaaz gulzar ki,
    lafzon ki gahrayon sang mil kar
    kheech leti hai hame tumhe
    tanhai ke kinaron se
    jahan sach yehi hai
    ke tootte judte
    zindagi ki kahani chalti hi
    rahti hai...
    Upparwala kya khoob Julaha

  6. Shivani.... :) :)
    Your post has made me smile. You know why! I usually am a poet, well by heart I am a poet but today morning when I sat to write something, some of the thoughts you have shared came to my mind (well, only now that I am reading your post) this coincidence made me smile.

    I will soon write one about what I am talking about here. You write beautifully. I am always left amazed by your words....words woven out of write just connecting so many dots, ultimately leading to one shape! keep it up dear Shivani and let me know you, its a joy to read you.

    With smiles,

  7. @Sabina...oh dear me! i'm getting a bonanza from you in the form of ur compostion.
    All i can do is praise u for ur wonderful thoughts and really beautifully said words.
    Yeah He sure is a great Weaver who has woven all of us with the same feelings and emotions and so our story continues as you said,"Zindagi ki kahani chalti hi rahti hai..."
    Thank You so much for this and also all that you share.Definitely for those with which you voiced ur concern and care.:)

  8. @Shaifal...hey beautiful!
    Thank you. Let me tell u this. You entered magically into my world and are there to stay. i look forward to ur poetry and love to dwell in those thoughts that ur poems evoke in me. Sometime i am bingo! other times chasing my own but whatever i love this companionship.
    And it is a joy for me know u through ur poems.

  9. Lovely music .keep it up

  10. You made my day with a wonderful post. Couldn't listen to the media 'coz I'm checking it from work and all media sharing sites are banned from here. Can't wait to go back home and listen to those.
    Will drop another comment then. :-)

  11. Good to know that you have got so many good (and genuine) friends on whom you can rely and lean on. Its nice to have some one to compare notes. I never knew about these blogger meets. So when you all meet it must be like lots of ideas flying around.
    We have Flicker meets but its local and mostly go out together for clicks and also arrange exhibitions. (one coming this Dec in Pune)
    Hope you meet more SISILA friends (like me) :-)

  12. @Raja...finally...after such a long wait...
    Thank you very much indeed for stopping by. :)
    Could you figure out where u featured in my post? i hope u did.
    Sure listen to the audio and let me know what u feel.

  13. @Haddock thank you for taking time out and going through my posts. Was away on a vacation and saw lots at Mandu(Madhya Pradesh) and am dying to share with u all that i saw and learnt.
    Was inspired by what you do and have taken a clip too of a tribal performer. Let's see when i can manage all that in my post.
    Currently busy so pls bear with my no new post status but stay put.
    Will be back with lots...:)
    And its SILSILA which means series or system of things. Thus starts the silsila of making new friends like you. :)

  14. I didn't know I was there, but "His best ones are when he advises without getting the real essence of what i'm trying to say" seems to fit the bill. That's a universal complaint I get. I'll try to better at posting comments.
    I had noticed a friend and ex-roomie of mine was there. I like if someone praises my friends :-)

  15. @Raja...oh gr8.
    Nice to know that another someone i feel indebted to is your ex-roomie.
    No ! i love all ur comments...don't take it otherwise ...pls pls don't change ur style...seriously. You r just too real and very funny...deadly combination i should say and i admire you immensely for that.
    Although most of ur comments are just too real.
    It's ur post in which i see the laugh until half dead me. :)

  16. Dear Shivani:

    Many thanks for your kind words. I think I recognized where you mentioned me and I indeed humbled and flattered. It is true that I don't blog as much as I used to a year ago, but I definitely wish you all the best on your 100th blog and hope to read your 200th soon. :)

    With regards,

  17. @ milkmiracle. net thank you Anirban so much for making time for me. Sure you are not blogging as much but whatever you do is much appreciated by me and others. i admire ur writing skills and i'm sure i'm not the only one.
    Thank you once again for encouraging/motivating me still as you did 115 posts earlier.
    You are so special and pls do blog whenever you can. Some of us are eager to see and read your thoughts... sometimes humorous and other times reflective. :)

  18. HI Shivani...
    This is a post from October 1 and today is almost Dec 1....where are you? I am missing your words and comments on my posts.
    I hope you are good...then why not share this happiness in your words.
    Is there another way to contact you? You can contact me-

    Get back to me soon. I miss you!
    I pray you are fine.

    Take care,

  19. Dear Shivani:

    This post dates 18 September, 2011 and I am here on 17 April, 2012 commenting on this post. Your anxiety is that of every blogger's, I reckon. If I have come here after this long, you can be assured that we relish and savour what's written here. Shivani, I have only one thought: Your posts are very long. I guess you want us to linger and feel the pulse of your posts.
    And, I guess I recognised myself in this post. That you have mentioned me has humbled and honoured me. Thanks Shivani. As I mentioned in your recent post, I thought of the bloggers' meet and remembered you and here you are talking about the meet. How coincidental is that!?!?!

    I am glad to have met you and though I don't stop by as often as I please, I will be around.

    Joy always,

  20. @Shaifali,
    hey beautiful how r u? Sry i was away and have mentioned what took me so long.i am fine thank you.
    And now that i'm back you sure can count on me.
    i missed u too all these days and can't express enough through words how happy i feel to get my old self back again.
    So let's get the ball rolling...
    love and hugs
    Shivani :) :) :)

  21. @ Susan
    Hey, i got u girl. And lovely that you are i have silently prowled on some of lovely pages.
    Humility is a virtue and i was not expecting anything different from you.
    Glad that u heard me...finally.
    Yeah i remember u too very clearly from the bloggers meet at Chennai...warm...confident and so honest about your feelings.
    And now through ur posts i try to imbibe that skill you possess. i am still trying but i guess it's not enough.
    No not ur ingenuity but ur brevity is what i'm striving for.
    Much that i desire i know i can never have as many frnds as u have in this virtual world because i'm exhaustive.
    But i'm not worried about that.
    If brevity happens one day i'll consider it to be a bonus or else i'll just keep rolling...the way my thoughts roll me.
    Happy to have had this heart to heart with first frnd in this blogworld whose face sits before me... with joi de vivre...everytime i hear some of hers and when she hears some long ones of mine.
    It's gr8 to have met u.
    Yeah and joy always as you put it for me to you too.