Saturday, January 30, 2010

We the passive Indians

Saturday mornings are generally exciting and sort of fresh when like good harmonised couple my husband and i have at least 2 rounds of tea while we skim the 3 sets of newspaper and diligently make our plans for the day. At least one particular day it seizes to be a newspaper and is more a catalogue of programmes to be caught and exhibitions to crash. But it was not to be this time when one item supposed to be page three made us sad , more angry and most hurt.
The images of eminent personalities dressed in their designer stuff attending what the paper declared was Australia Day celebrations left us seething with nothing but anger.
If looks could kill and if i had supernatural powers they would all be dead by now. No not dead but something worse...
It's amazing with media making us aware of what is happening to our kids Down Under is this the best that we can do ? At best they could've restrained from such events which would at least seem like a silent protest. And i'm now very much sure that these so called eminent personalities may not be celebrating our own national events with such gusto. What do you call such people i fail in my English vocabulary but i do have a local word in mind which perhaps would best describe such people.
i was thus left wondering the entire day as to amidst all the expensive drinks, food , glitter and glam how they would've celebrated? Did the photo clips of our boys battered and bruised and then some finally arriving home in coffins amidst heart-rending tears ever cross their mind's eye? Surely all of them must be having kids of their own . Would they have attended this function if God forbid (and why am i even saying God forbid) it had happened to someone of their own ?
Until i had become a parent i never understood the angst but now i do know that every time we squeeze our eyes to concentrate on a deep prayer we are trying to battle this innate fear that we have for our kids . Oh God keep them safe from hurt and pain is all we can silently mumble and i'm sure these people may be doing the same too. I fail to understand then how they can be so insensitive and join the opposing team in revelry of any kind ?
Had this happened to Australians in India would the Australians attend such an evening and celebrate India day ?
i don't suppose when Gandhi talked about offering the other cheek he would have meant this and this was the apt time when Satyagrah could've given a strong message. But the double faced januses- can we expect Satyagrah from them?
My anger will subside as it normally does but i'm afraid it should not turn to hatred.

Thursday, January 28, 2010


Just the other day a kid friend of mine sent me this beautiful mail titled 'Mum's love' and just going through the mail i got my years back and now i was missing my mom. Missing her to have her near me and to ask her forgiveness for my past tresspasses. Ma is one with universe now and i know she is listening and she has forgiven me from the time i made these tresspasses but that doesn't make me totally at peace with myself. Sometimes before i go to sleep i wish that i see her in my dreams and tell her all i have to say.
To tell her how sorry i am for not giving her the respect she deserved...
To tell her how mean i was for not supporting on issues which were meant for the good of the family...
To tell her how selfish i was to go about my own affairs when she was in physical pain...
To tell her how disregardful and dismissive i was when she tried to teach me traditions and values related to those traditions...
To tell her how wrong i was to criticise her for her dressing sense...because now when she invades my mind's eye i feel she was perfect and the way she should be.
To beg her forgiveness for being so detached to her little little needs...and worse for dismissing them outright.
To tell her that now i am not embarrased anymore that she could neither speak English nor Hindi but only the local language nor am i embarrased anymore for her 4. something frame.
The list could go on and on and no matter how awful i feel i know she has forgiven me and not forsaken me.
Because everytime i am able to reach out and make people feel warm i know it is You in me.
Everytime i try to connect with the higher self it is the You in me.
That someone in me who wants me to hold on to traditions and culture as far as i can remember be it respecting elders or following some rituals when anyone embarks on a journey or even trying to do pooja; i know it is You.
When i try to settle things in my own little way You are working with me.
When i suffer in physical or mental pain You give me the power to bear it without making a hue and cry about it.
When i love flowers, bangles,traditional jewellery and bright colours in my dressing it is You in me celebrating the womanhood.
As i try and fulfill my resposibilities as a mother and as a wife You show me the way Ma.
And everytime because of my false vanity when i look in disdain You remind me to respect and appreciate and to ignore the negatives.
And do you know that when anyone compliments me on my looks they are sending compliments to you because so far as looks go in most i've taken after You.
The amount of respect i have now for myself as a mother and wife, it is You who gave me the power not to regret missing out on certain opportunities and to feel fulfilled and happy about whatever i could do.
Ma be with me in me always as you are...and if possible come and smile at me in my there for sometime in such a way that when i wake up i'm adorning ur smile and with it everything...

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I see you

I feel enlightened in some ways even it was in a movie as i believe learning comes from all sides.Graphics, cinematography,imaginative futuristic story Avatar had it all.Oh no i'm not attempting to write a review but what train of thoughts occupied me even when i slept.Well the film can easily consume the entire coffee time or dinner time discussions but the most appealing was the "i see you" and was really so overjoyed that this good soul brought this up with this powerful media called cinema.
In this career,money,and finally status riddled world we are moving miles apart and never bother to just take time out and ask...where are we going and what are we going to achieve finally if we do get there.
How much pride i take in talking about myself and sometimes even giving a self pat to my megalomaniac self but have i come far or have i gone farthest in my sensitivity?
It's me me all over and one word that fits the bill is SELFISH.
Strange but while watching Avatar i could only remember Thomas Hardy and his novels which talked about nature taking it's revenge.I know i should've also thought about Malthus and his law of diminishing returns but the "i see you" reminded me how insensitivity to others lead eventually to your own decay.
Count your blessings and remember the love and warmth of the years gone by when we were less complicated. Someone just said the other day times don't change it's the people and i agree because each day we are changing and some for the good and some for the bad.Isn't it ridiculous that i talk about being sensitive to animals and trees and that's easy because they cannot retaliate when you are being brutal, cold or rude to their needs. What about my own kind- do i see them ? Someone inside me is also in a pursuit of happiness and i'm this close to it if only i can see you...fellow beings around and all creatures living and non living co-existing with me.
I hum the tune and just keep reminding that" this dream never ends "because everything starts with a dream and my pursuit will be rewarded if "i see you through my eyes....."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Figuring it out

Just the other day i was invited to dinner and rather than being thrilled at the prospect of a new meal as i am mostly fed up with mine i was confused as to what i should take to prove my ettiquette then i realised that this happens everytime with me.
Gifts- should they me momento or should it be something functional or of utility?
And it doesn't stop at this because in your mind you have figured out the expense part too because you don't want to go overboard.
A momento will add to the accumulation which might gather dust or at best may be nostalgia staring from the shelf whereas something functional or of utility may be subjected to wear and tear. Torn at the thoughts i thought it best to leave it to instinct when i shop on my way to the dinner. But i was not peaceful as i kept thinking about what i had got as gifts and remembered that some gifts can be painful too. Like this dupatta i had got the other day from a very good friend of mine. Beautiful piece in raw silk hand embroidered simply stunning but i remember the trauma i went through to get a salwaar kameez to go with it. Was unsuccessful in my explorations and finally kept it in my closet for a year an half before deciding to do justice to that stunning piece by re-gifting it to another third party with a hope that maybe she will be able to find something to go with it. Needless to say how guilty and shameful i felt after that because one part of me kept telling me how cruel i was.
How can something of good intent give you pain. To be able to have a heart which wants to be generous and kind and to be remembered with warmth and yet not really being able to do that?
Mostly i do follow my instincts but down the road i do realise that now that however clear my intentions were i would have caused pain too. Yes i remember some clearly but also remind myself not to do a repeat performance.
Wisdom is something that comes from everywhere including your experiences and how true you are to your experiences.
And yes the gift i took the other day was much loved and appreciated by my friend when she called me up from her busy schedule just to say how happy she was with it.
And i say to myself-hey! you got lucky this time...