Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Some Pages from the Diary of a Nobody

Two mirror image houses...perhaps the owners are related i thought. There was some curiosity to know why the other house had no name. Kept wondering if one of them was built as an added extension but it couldn't be for they had between them a wall and separate gates. The wall and the gate hinting, this is mine and that is yours.

The two houses in that posh colony, plain and without any of those frills and fusses of it's neighbors stood close if not together just like my two brothers.
i brushed aside the thoughts about my brothers. It would've disturbed my equilibrium.
i started searching for beauty in simplicity instead. Maybe prompted by the name of one of them concrete twins.
'Sunder House' meaning beautiful, pretty...
Don't know about the occupants but i tried to listen what one concrete was saying to the other.
i thought i heard Emily Dickinson.

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us — don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Suddenly that pain hit me.
i thought i was happy in my bliss of solitude but i was not.
i realized i was not only alone but also very lonely.
Deep inside embedded within me was a board , a cold plate that said TO-LET.
i look at the twins and tears streamed incessantly, uncontrollably as i let it flow

Isn't there any one out there who is a nobody like me...
Objects can be mirror images but people? 
We have twins for people too but they too are not mirror images either, not entirely.
Maybe i wouldn't want to have another me for then there would not be any specialty in being that nobody. Would there?
But i yearn, long and seek another who understands and accepts me and is comfortable with the the way i am.
Where do i look for another anonymous in this world where i see not people but infinite and newer efforts to impress.
Talking, doing, getting together... with all the frills, fusses and embellishments...everything that makes the other say, WOW! GREAT! WELL DONE...

How presumptuous of me to banish the thoughts of my brothers thinking i would be okay just listening to Emily Dickinson.

Here i was as unstable like a top in it's final phase of gyration, trying to twirl a wee bit more, holding on to the inertia, finally making sloppy and irregular ellipsis just before it topples over to lie dead still on the ground.

Tears with all it's saltiness on my tongue continue it's journey making raindrop like wet patches randomly on my shirt. Then dissipating into the weave of the cotton shirt, the wetness reminding me that there is no one not a single great less who could embrace another wow less in all her anonymity.
That another one who could resonate with my own, find stability in simplicity and help me through my own development in this system called life is simply not there.
This one out of the entire species has evaporated, dissipated into the world wide web.
The ache however has not evaporated instead is holding me steadfast. Only stubborn enough to choke and make me gasp for some breath than to willingly accept that the simple codes of simple friendships are extinct and our lives are getting frittered away in details.
One of the simple codes being is to expect. It's impossible not to have expectations from friendship.
The most important being accepted and understood.
Not that expect huge favors which normally friends these days seek out but genuine and small gestures.
Reciprocity can be another.

i'm tired and sort of fed up of just giving news that's entertaining to others, that too at my cost.
And i'm scared of drowning into a virtual world where i seek solace from virtual friends.
Expectations remaining unfulfilled i seem to be forging new bonds in the virtual world.
i don't know if i am on the right track or losing myself but my virtual world provides me with some solace if not all.

i am a rock too as this song says. Erosion, chipping, weathering feels more normal.
But rocks are not supposed to feel pain.
i am an island too but then why am i mourning like someone has died?

i thought i don't need real friends anymore but i was mistaken. 
i feel utterly lonely. i don't have anybody with whom i can truly be honest with.
i am fed up of conforming.
i am exhausted in my efforts to be kind always.
i am sick of the hypocrisy.
Oh God i don't have anybody who can see the real me and still be my true friend,
i thought i can manage being on my own  but NO! i do need someone who is not fake and with whom i need not be fake too. 
But most of all i need a NOBODY who has the inclination and the time for a nobody like me.
SOMEBODYS have better things in their agenda.
Even that concrete has another to give it company and i am after all a human.
i thought i was safe in my domain and no one can use me, insult me or hurt me anymore.
i drifted... away...further...
But now i need...
-i need to have normal honest conversations.
-i need to share my joys and sorrows.
-i need to hear joys and sorrows of someone.
- i need someone i am comfortable and free with.
-i need someone to be comfortable and free with me
-i need some one who can accept me with all my foils and foibles
-i need to accept someone who is not perfect too.
-i need...i need...
Where do i look...Oh God i have no one.

Finally when enough tears are shed and the heart feels lighter, stability returns like the hopeful rays of a new dawn. 
Look no further...the ray scribbles on that plate that has a TO-LET.
Accept and move on... the dawn signals.

i give one more look at the concrete twins, dropped the camera that tried to capture the twins whispering Emily Dickinson into the bag, pulled out a fresh citrus smelling wet wipe and did the needful to my sticky salty face, looked for a dustbin to throw the wet wipe. Spotted none only the neat well kept exteriors of those stylish houses. 

 Then holding the partially dry wet wipe in my hands like a miniature flag that fluttered as if proclaiming freedom,  i walked home absorbing the citrus whiff that continued to emanate from that white flag.
i didn't realize when all of Emily Dickinson, Paul Simon Art Garfunkel stopped and i started to mull over what my son had asked me over the phone last week...TO BE CONTD
Sure, but not without something to cheer up.

                                              Colour For Tuesday-Pink
Pink Hibiscus

Image Courtesy:http://www.clipartguide.com/_pages/0511-1002-1704-3845.html


  1. There are many layers to your thoughts.
    Is it the silence or the (cold) concrete that brings to mind feelings of being 'aloneness'? Where is solitude?

    A line once from The Eternal Now, Paul J Tillich "Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone."

  2. @BM Sure there are many layers to my thoughts here.
    i have been away from the social circuit for quite sometime now. There were reasons of course but i was not sad or unhappy about it.
    It was then solitude felt like bliss and actually i liked being on my own.
    Of late i've started missing the companionship of a true good friend with whom i can share my black and white.
    i tried seeking out one if not some and am still waiting.
    It seems most prefer a SOMEBODY today.Status, success seems to be the bench mark now.
    i look at the two houses and feel that even the lifeless concrete has a companion then why am i not getting one who just like me is devoid of those pre-qualifications. Someone who shares some common interests and accepts me the way i am.
    i thought that i'm happy in my solitude safe in my shell but i realized now that actually i was in self denial.
    i feel lonely to realize that i really have not a single friend with whom i can honestly be me. Without any facades or pretenses.
    It is then i feel painfully lonely. To come to terms with reality can be painful.Apparently i seem to be having many friends but can't seem to trust anyone with my original self.
    i hope that should suffice and if my post left you puzzled pls excuse me for the same.
    i'm trying and hope one day i shall have more clarity.
    Thanks for not only being prompt on my post but also for the valuable inputs.:)

  3. Dear, dont get so upset.Everything will be all right.

  4. @Navita thank you.
    i'm okay now pls do not worry.Yeah it was one of those days...
    i hope u understand.

  5. Dear Shivani...
    Finally I finished reading your both the posts (this one & the next one)...I wanted to write, each word was a feeling when I was reading it & finally when I came to comment, I didnt what should I express. I thought, ok! I will wait.
    I started browsing your old old blogs, which you have written when I was not your regular visitor.
    I randomly selected -


    Amazing...you talk about your past! Chennai and how accomplished you felt while being there & leaving the city...You learnt the culture, tried to try somethings (example- Kamakshi..., the biryani with Kalpasi etc) in the right way, visited temples.....you learnt so much. It was those days.

    But I learnt this from your post-
    "i think i am still reeling hopelessly in this materialistic world just trying to get hold of my senses which makes me want so many things "..................how beautiful. What is this, I want to ask? This is detachment from the worldly things/material ornamentation.....the seeds were in you, and today you are alone (ofcourse, being human, lonely too sometimes) but your puprpose lies in being your true self and learning to live, learning to learn, learning to be TRUE. Dear, I dont where I am going, but I want you to relook at these lines of yours and be positive each time the lonelines tried to cover you up.

    This is life.....we live it the way it is....

    Take care.

    (By the way, are you sure you have written this post, or is it a part of me that captured you while writing it! )


  6. Shivani, my apologies for so many typos...I guess thoughts were faster than the accuracy of my fingers on the keypad. I know you would understand!

  7. @Shaifali...thank you beautiful!
    Don't u worry about the typos...you got me! i got you! that's all there is to being friends and understanding each other in all it's nuances.
    Yes, most of my thoughts would be yours too and that's why i always say, " discovering me in everybody..."
    Love and hugs