Thursday, July 10, 2014


Genuflection is nothing new and of late it has taken on a rather insincere and servile meaning and it makes me sick to be a part of a system where this is being perpetuated by people who claim to be different from the corrupt politicians and call themselves bureaucrats.
Scenario of the entire subordinate class as if the entire frigging department was in attention jamming the staircase bowing to the madam as she came to survey the house which they are going to occupy soon was one perfect example of this servility. Unfortunately or fortunately this madam a housewife just like me is going to be my next door neighbor. Her husband heads the Department which is in charge of the allotment of flats and the Civil Department which means the subordinates starting from the peon, gardener and ending to the senior engineer better polish and shine madam's every wish and fancy what to talk of just her shoes and brass. Her kit not having arrived yet the junior officers can be seen currently holding an umbrella so that she does not catch a wee bit of the sunlight on her heavy shades laden face. So i am going to have more such scenarios with much more disgusting servile demonstrations. If i could i would avoid the sight but then the Government Quarters particularly this one where i am staying right now, the entrance door to my living room faces the entrance room to the madam's living room and we share a common staircase and passage. As i simmer with anger and frustration about my unattended repair complaints of the broken tiles, peeling paint on the walls which has been sitting forgotten for the last six months in the register of the Inspector of Works known as IOW of the colony i have to be a silent but angry spectator of work going on war footing in this flat which is right across. The tamasha, mess left around for me to clean up afterwards for the last one month now.
When we were allotted the flat i was thankful enough for the whitewashing that was done and i thought that this was the regular/ general procedure and maybe i could ask for repairs if it was needed and it would be attended to because that is the rule. But i was so naive rather foolish to have thought so. i should've known better. Mentally prepared myself to wait till my husband one day heads something when my complaints would be attended to pronto without delay and with much fanfare like this one which i just witnessed and have been for quite sometime now.
But on second thoughts having been a bureaucrat's daughter and got a rearing of the strict kind i guess the upbringing that i have had and the liberalism that i grew up with i might not be wanting to have the fanfare. Maybe improvements yes sans the servility that has become the order of the day.
My Civil Servant father my constant teacher of a Dad made us polish our own shoes and never allowed any chaprasi / peon to carry our school bags or ever used the office vehicle for domestic purpose. i shudder to think if i would be as comfortable with this kind of genuflection that madam seemed to indulge into. i shiver and shrug with disgust and disbelief when all this is done in the garb of protocol. These professors at the training institute are they even aware that the new recruits inducted better be made to understand the difference between protocol and feudalistic servility. The latter done definitely with intentions which are not only dishonest and impure but seem indecent too .

Now with all that has become routine and more so evident here and more now than ever would i be comfortable with that this should be a question i'd rather not answer for the simple reason that sometimes i have seen people do the same things with severity and cruelty that of which they were a victim of once. i am not lying or being presumptuous about this but my personal reading of the most insensitive people have been thus.
i'll wait and watch till my time comes. But can i succumb?  i guess not because we are a sum total of our experiences and upbringing aren't we ?

As of now will it suffice to say that i prefer to open the door of the vehicle myself for it embarrasses me if the person i have engaged to drive my car does it for me. Every time Khan Sahab ( Driver) hurries forward to open the door when he sees me approach i stop him from doing so. Although he keeps saying, " Madam, it would only give me pleasure to do it for you..." and i keep reiterating, " Khan Sahab thank you i understand your feelings but i respect you too much..."

Now i am not filled with vendetta or anything but it tears me apart to see the unfair way matters are dealt with. The way our system works. That is why i say isn't it the bureaucrats maybe not all but the numbers are large of those who are responsible in perpetuating that which actually should be condemned. Why can't a roster be prepared and work attended to.  Why all this special treatment?  And what about all that waste of resources happening to prepare for madam's occupancy ?
The existing good tiles broken down and refitting of new tiles, and tiles applied even in places where they aren't for the rest of the existing Quarters, the tearing apart of existing doors and refitting of flush doors. So much of waste of precious resources. How is it being managed? Surely dishonesty must be doing the rounds hidden in the red tape files and i'm sure one day it will come to the fore but why all this?
Is is a blatant show of strength or power?
C'mon any sane sensible person can figure it out that it is neither but just pathetic display of genuflection of the wrong kind and hidden behind that all that tebowing the ugly sad bad corruption.

Recently i read an article in The Hindu about diplomats as to how they are given all the necessary training they would be needing so far as dressing up and dining is concerned because they have to take assignments abroad and as representatives of the Nation they must behave in Rome as Romans do. i guess it's time that the Administrative institutes and all the institutes wake up to issues which have been lying dormant and try and inculcate duties and specify the differences which are being confused by our executives who are an important link between the legislature and the judiciary. Yeah sure if educated people who read the constitution and write exams to qualify that exam if they can't seem to single out simple values they better be taught to do so and if a law has to be made to implement it then so be it. Phew...
Think i have let off all that steam now... but not yet i have more...

This is what i received today as a good morning message on whatts app.
i did thank my friend for the message but not without quickly typing for her, '' Let's sit down for while sweetie and i shall explain why such messages are only best for forwarding apart from them sounding virtuous because in real life i guess none of this seems to work. i shall give you real examples. Can't type all the examples on kindness, compassion, charity, truth and love with examples on whatts app. "

Although i feel awful now why i had to do that. i guess i was just too angry and i know my friend well enough to know she must have understood that something sure must be bothering me.
People are getting on my nerves and their ways make me angry now. Recently not only what has been happening right across my door but all that i had considered virtues those virtues instead of giving me happiness and contentment have left me writhing and tormented with pain. A spate of incidents and i am beginning to have serious doubts on those virtues.

i have my own true stories to tell which shall prove otherwise. Meaning,  Be kind and people will take you for a Trans Siberian ride. Lend your ears for Compassion and next thing you know you will probably be the agony aunt for days to come where all you have to do is just hear the same sob story being repeated again and again and again. What is worse none of your advice will be adhered to, people will continue to be the askholes ( apologies for using slang) and the next day would be the repeat of the previous day. Be Charitable and the poor start thinking you are getting free supplies from Mukesh Ambani or worse have you heard that Camel and the Bedouin story something like that might happen to you. Speak the Truth but be prepared to be hanged for it or worse be poisoned like Socrates. And when all this is happening around you can there be any chance of any love seed getting enough nourishment for it to grow. i guess not.

It was meant to be. i just can't say that it happened accidentally that i caught the early morning broadcast on the radio offering me pearls of wisdom, motivational talk and what they would call a cocktail of new age spirituality.
Hmmmm...spirituality i don't understand that term because i'm still trying to learn to live my life without nurturing any ill will or malice or jealousy. i am trying to live each day doing what i can do best given my circumstances and trying to be selfless in that. Hoping less of recognition from others and more of self satisfaction. i am trying to be happy. Sometimes in trying to do and live i don't recall having even enough time to sit back and sense the happiness around me if it is really existing but many times i do count my blessings and thank the Almighty for having given me more than enough and then i indulge into my happiness. These moments are my moments when i feel i am being spiritual. Seriously.
But sadly though and i hate to admit it this spiritual feeling does not seem to happen around people. It only seems to happen when i am on my own with my, dirt, creatures, ....anything in nature but definitely not around people. People are beginning to give me shocks after shocks to such an extent that i wish like i had that Gun i had blogged about once. The wish gun, the one that doesn't kill but transforms the nasty you into the Godly you. One shot and you change from the filled with rage and anger within and seeking vendetta for the injustice done Dr Hannibal of The Silence of The Lambs into a lovely Julie Andrews of Sound of Music. Sweet, charming and can fix anything and everything with her clean, pure and singing heart.
Point is as i was listening i was sure enticed to write my own personal query to the RJ of the show who seems to have the answers although i feel his answers are similar to what i have been unconscious of the right approach but nevertheless been doing even without knowing about what his answers would be guided by my own soulful instincts. Incidentally that's the name of the radio program too 'Soul Yatra...

His answers generally were about what i have been striving at. Putting in a nutshell to bring in the changes in oneself instead of expecting any changes to happen from any other side and by that i mean anyone even the one whom you might deem to be the one who is closest to you to the one who is far flung and by that i mean the society, the Govt, and who ever that can be ascribed to be as forming a part of our social existence.

There sure is something interesting in this motivational cum spiritual cocktail. The RJ Mr Sarath and i feel nice to get to hear him everyday now tells stories which touch various aspects of our lives. Relationships, faith, anger, frustrations, success, happiness, love...and in between his sermon instead of a pause there is this laugh which perhaps adds a persona to the voice that one hears. Drama is created and the whole sounds really nice at 6 o' clock in the morning.
i must say that the laugh sounds haunting to me. Like that of a Fakir...roaming the streets making prophesies and alerting people of the dangers lurking within. Yeah prophetic something like that but strange unlike other prophesies of which many a times we are skeptic this one sounds true and very believable and even when the talk has ended there is not an iota of doubt about what was just said, shared, and dissipated .
Yesterday as he read about a query posted by a newly married girl he talked about FAITH and then narrated a story about what having faith really means. And that's precisely why i am in a hurry to catch him speak every morning these days. Perhaps i need to hear him more than ever now since my faith in people seems to be on shaky grounds. Sometimes that Faith also falters the one about which Mr Sharath had talked. Faith of the Believer.
So it was meant to be that i had to hear about Faith and then as i was watering my green babies i had to see this which took me to straight to that FAITH.
i had planted a small plant of Tecoma capensis ( Cape honeysuckle) a few days back. And this morning as i went there to check on the growth and to see if it needed support to climb because this is a creeping vine i see this beautiful mushroom umbrella. At first the words that rang inside were these...Under My Umbrella eh eh Under My Umbrella... and then all i could think about was God Almighty. i am not a poet and have no song of my own to call it my My Song to God so i am borrowing some words from that of Glenda's from
Creation shows the power of God
There’s glory all around.
And those who see must stand in awe
For miracles abound..."
The world feels beautiful and i feel calm when i see such miracles. Yesterday it would've been there and i might've missed and only today i had to view God's Umbrella. i genuflected and the only words that i could think of was a prayer that was given to me by a friend in Chennai and i would be glad to share.
The tears did fall but they were the tears of happiness because i felt God's Umbrella protecting me from all that onslaught. i guess it was meant to be for me to hear the sermon by Mr Sharath, see the umbrella, get calmed, and renew my faith that i needn't change. i should continue to be. Live and do but it still doesn't answer my basic question, why can't i feel the same kind of calmness around people...
Whenever storm rages i run outdoors towards my plants...funny ain't it but that is where i get what i need most. Even now i am feeling protected around them...and maybe one day i might get my answers too through them.

Now that doesn't mean i will stop listening to Mr Sharath.  i am rather blessed to have been guided by some unknown source to take the Soul Yatra with him each day. Hope this journey adds more to my own as i continue to try...


  1. It makes me so angery when the govt officers beahve like that and take undue advantage of their post..
    I wish i could, My grand dad was a very senior officer but he was so strict, I was not even allowed to take one of the bodyguards with me to show off I was the only MALE son in the family at that time .. these days the sons of officers roam with a GYPSY of bodyguards behind..
    It would have been so cool..

    One of the reasons I had to come to uk was that my grandfather WOULD not say to someone to get me a job or PAY for it too, I cleared my IMA exams 3 times and cleared My COmmandant in bsf exam. .but you know how India is without sifarish and rishwat no luck..

    BUT on hindsight its good I came over here , had i been in india I probably would have turned out to be one of those Corrupt officers .. at least now I work hard earn my money and enjoy life ..

    I now find it a disgrace when i see that happening, have had arguments with my cousins who are back in india and do show off and use the govt machineary to the best ..
    I once landed in delhi and instead of my cousin being there he had sent a police officer from chandigarh to pick me up, it was embarassing seeing a Ranked police officer "Sir" "SIR" ing me .. and picking my suitcases etc ..
    had i been a officer in india I probably would have had to do all this and it is such a shameful act .. NOPE not for me THANK GOD...

    so Now i dont bother to ask anyone to come and pick me , hire a car and go easy peasy ..

    and the words on compassion kindness etc , well we all have our little stories .. and you are right .. you do a bit of kindness and you are taken for granted I have burnt my fingers so many times .. but do i learn NO I DONT.. and that is what upsets me more .. It makes me angry why cant i change myself .. I promise myself that I will not do this again or that .. but i fall for the trap again.. somedays when i think about it I simply hate myself ..
    I will post about it have two in my drafts that i need posting .. but these days doing the foto a day challenge so trying to complete that ..

    and let me be a little sad here - you havenot seen any of the pics :( so sadddd can I cry here now :) he he he he just kidding

    lovely pictures .. thank you for sharing all these thoughts you are a good human being and we need many many more like you to make this world a lovely place to live in



    1. Dear Bikram nice to hear from you and feel bad that i have missed your photos. i promise i will see them, all of them. Maybe i have and did not make my presence felt. Apologies. i will surely take time out and see all your pics first. thing tommorow i remember seeing Sharp...the set of knives one and liked it too. Then i remember seeing that Breitling Plane one with that gymnast lady and liked that one too. Have you done more...okay, it will only delight me to see what more you have done.
      Thanx for sharing your thoughts too which in a way echoes mine. Makes me feel that u understand my angst well enough not to sermonize me to take a chill pill. You feel like a true buddy who listens and soothes by agreeing to your anger and justifying the torment raging within and thus in a way manages to calm you and bring in some tranquility to the restlessness and disturbance caused . :)
      Feel like saying thank you buddy now :) :) :)

  2. water droplets have that 3D look :)

  3. @ joshi daniel thank you for stopping by. I had some feeling that you might say something about that....the water droplets which u did so my day is made. Hurray!

  4. u have nicely penned down true state of affair followed by many.Really sad n disgusting

    1. Dear chandra raman thank you for taking time out and sharing my angst, my frustration and also my pain. You can understand i know...

  5. Hi again.

    Wonderful post. Frankly!

    This is what happens in India. We stay Article 14-19 of the constitution as Law of equality but it is never there. This feudalism has been going on since long. Earlier it were the zamindars now the politicians and bureaucrats. That is sheer exploitation. To be frank I have seen people enjoy exploitating others. They feel good. For example, people enjoy the scenes of torture,rape, harassment on screen. Exploit any one and they feel better. Another simple example. Few people when they handover their luggage to the porter at railway station or anywhere for a moment they feel good.Even if for a fraction of a second the feeling is good. Isnt it? So basically people like to exploit.

    And in this world of rat race and competition, the service sector is booming. You do someone something and they will do something for you. These people who work for such bureaucrats have no other option. They need work and some favours which can only be fulfilled when they do the works very well. That is how it goes.

    Aspirants who prepare for the IAS entrances, how many of them prepare for the sake of bring the change or doing something good? Firstly because of herd mentality, they join the coaching classes because many other friends or their colony members are doing so. Very very few have the interest to do some service. If anyone who had right intentions earlier and goes to such services, he would surely be under more diplomacy and in order to survive has to take the route as others are taking. He he is real person of mettle he would never and ever do so. ( I shall share the details of such IAS/IPS officers with you) but if he swinging in his thoughts, then he will surely end up with the wrong side. I wont say everyone there is bad. But there are few very good people too. Who never forget their ethics. That is their character!!

    Regarding people, they are bound to hurt us. It is in our intelligence to choose our friends who would be good to us. If you are nice to people they will take you for a ride. Sometimes we have to think from our minds not from hearts. It happens such that, for our loved ones we always think from heart and they just tear it more apart. Last night I was conselling my friend in the same topic, who was taken on a ride by her boy friend. She was literally into tears and made her situation very pathetic. I just told her that, we are not the animals to be in solitude. We have to be in the company of good people but our intelligence should alone guide us for picking the right people around us. That is what life teaches us. Our experience.

    Your rightly pointed out on spirituality, sometimes it seems rubbish. I always think that we should make our own ideologies rather than following anyone, and the ones which we make should be from our experiences and our intellect. By that we are not astray from the truth.

    Once again, your hobbies/interests like gardening, being with your plants will give u the utmost happiness because they dont expect anything in return , or make you sad ever.

    ( Sorry for the long comment :) )

    1. Dear Niranjan no need to apologize...i love to hear and have these conversations. Thanks a lot of letting your feelings known to me. Yeah you are right we are social beings and escapism is not the way out. We need to be with positive people or in my case when i can't find real positive people around me then with nature from where i find most of my positive energies from.
      Thank you for being my positive force of the day. :)

  6. I agree with your thoughts here, Shivani.
    What mindless servitude & wastage to "show-off" loyalty!
    Breaking tiles that are absolutely fine, entails misuse of funds for new costly "branded" ones...
    Lovely to read about your upbringing. Small wonder, you have the ethics & goodness instilled in you.
    I feel blessed when I come across nice people & thank God for goodness. That's why the world is still surviving....due to the positive energy of the good people.
    Hope evil dies out...