Sunday, April 18, 2010

Flow with the tide

Can anyone be apprehensive about oneself? Well, when i talk it out with my next best companion my husband, he says,"You my dear look for reasons to be sad, disappointed...blah...blah." So far from my apprehensions being out of the window it settles down nice and tight.

After watching this movie called 'The Ugly Truth' i learnt something i had never known rather realised before. Are women actually ' Control Freaks '. i mean uptill now i had not known the term even. And then i began thinking on those lines and the answer i got was, maybe we are. Now i'm talking of myself here not everyone in general but all i know around me who do want to control everything if they could...including their own thoughts to give them the results that they want.

Right from the simple mundane chores to the most complex decisions regarding marriage versus career careful calculations are made. Weighing of options and results and i never get fed up of it and neither are those who are like me.Whatever happened to flowing with the tide...? i say this now because i'm beginning to get exhausted and tired and want to shout out, " to hell with results just do what you want to do and forget everything! ."

Coming back to where i was about my apprehensions and what i wanted to control. It will sound maniacal if i said i wanted to control the kind of friends that i have.My experiences in life have not been too memorable if i am allowed to say that.At least now when i look back i know that the word Friend is a grossly overused word. Anyone and everyone we meet and get familiar with become our friends if they are not our relatives.
When we are kids and innocent in our thoughts we really don't mind making our bags full. If you ask a child a list it will seem never-ending and as time goes by the lists get shorter and shorter and may boil down to perhaps two or none.

That could be me with my apprehensions. Not that i'm not scared of picturizing myself being FRIENDLESS but of late the kind of recluse i'm turning into, the day is not that far... if i don't stop myself from being a CONTROL FREAK.

How do i stop myself from being a sanyasi (sage) of some sort who now loves solitude and nature only and wants desperately to do all the pilgrimages as could be possible? How do i stop myself from finding friends too boring, too predictable, some taking me for granted while others not reciprocating. Some too flamboyant while others too primitive in their thoughts and actions. Still others who are too expensive to make me recoil in horror while some will expect me to provide as many as possible as if, take me and the rest comes free. There are still others who are too sticky and i have to cook up reasons to hide while there are those whose company i cherish but they are too busy to make time. And definitely how do i get these friends to read my blogs and say something which should make sense enough to dismiss my present conjecture as just a passing phase and transitory just like everything else.

No i do not want to be like this forever. And maybe i should just take each for what they are and stop being so analytical. i should just flow with the tide and things will look up. Nothing wrong with my preferring solitude to company. i could do this and that. And if nature starts talking like humans it will say,'' Stop being so uptight relax!.'' So i guess i should stop looking for friends with no strings attached because i now know for sure i have too many strings too, hanging out loose and badly need to be tied if not concealed.

So i quit for the time being with something nice by i don't know who... so can say Anonymous and it is titled
                                                " Unknown Friendship

                                                 first sarcasm fills the air
                                             striking remarks then follows
                                            small grins, dubious eyebrows,
                                             oh--let the arguements begin!
                                                       time passes by...
                                        only acquiring the habit we have begun.
                                            though the longer the mockery is,
                                    the harder it is revealing each other's identity.
                                               ...ironically--my goal is to
                                                  uncover the real "you"
                                     unfortunately, there's just too many sarcasm,
                                             and barely little of the real us...
                                             I asked if we could change it,
                                               You said " yes--we can."
                                         deciding that nature will take it's place
                                   we set aside our worries and proceed with life.
                                                      while in our minds,
                                       there's still a boundary keeping us apart.
                                          will our friendship ever be at ease?
                                                       ... in my mind
                                                             I hope
                                                             I pray."



  1. Shivani, you have to let go. You cant be a control freak on things which are external to yourself. Friends are humans too with all their shortcomings. You have to learn to deal with them and being a recluse is not an option at all. We all have strings attached/tied to each other which itself makes true friendship really binding.

  2. @ true friendship is now more of an Utopian concept i feel just like some thing called platonic love however i get ur point and i guess as you say must accept the shortcomings and let go.Thanks :)

  3. I agree with the initial comment. You just have to let go. Everyone(friends) is diffrent and you never know what the other person is going through. Always give the benefit of the doubt. It's best not to have any expectations and that is something not easy to accomplish. As for control freaks, most of us are. At least I can speak for myself. :)

  4. @Preeti thanks a lot...yeah we are all aware of what Tandarin suggested i was just narrating one aspect of what goes on in my mind when i encounter people whom we call friends and something inside questions...can i handle this now...that's why i said as kids everything is fine but when we grow up it takes a new meaning this thing called Friendship.No! don't worry i'm not on a road to being a hater of people it was just an expression of thoughts like always...

  5. Shivani, accept it or not, but we all are control freaks in some form or other. We get so caught up in our ways that we never think of what the other person's personality is. We can only change ourselves and so my friend we all must learn to let go ....

  6. @Mini thanks a lot for ur visit and yes hanging by all the good advice i am happy :)

  7. I would say it is okay to be a perfectionist, but we should also try to be realists.

    Nice post!

  8. @Anirban yup you are so correct but maybe i would rather do some spring cleaning and get rid of the clutter the kind which would give you a fresh feel.Thanks for ur visit always wait for urs.:)

  9. Shivani, i agree that listening is the best you could do given the time. No words are comforting at that moment because we all know whatever friends say are what is the right thing to say. That is the reason i waited ans spoke to her today evening and she seemed much more accepting of the loss and living with fond memories of the loved one. Is it not what we all hope to do...go on but with memories of good times and much more...

  10. @Mini yup i guess you mean about that sad news.Agreed memories is all that we hitch ourselves to after the loved one has departed.Thanks for sharing your side.