Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Mixed Feelings

i read or heard somewhere, perhaps in one of the Rumi songs that God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites, so that you can have two wings to fly. The song also talked about gratitude.
And i am searching for an apt explanation to some opposites i am faced with.
Is it possible to feel gratitude and yet feel burdened at the same time?
To feel happiness in what you have received and not enjoy the moment to the full extent or sufficiently enough?

i was not expecting her at all that morning because i was aware of her holiday with her two sons. First in Amsterdam and then in Dubai. She was to touch base only in July.
When she rang the bell with a package in her hands i was just too preoccupied with my husband's breakfast. She was embarrassed by her unwitting intrusion and took out her tongue, a gesture which looked apologetic , '' Sry to have disturbed you when u r busy..."
i couldn't contain my surprise and asked her, ''Weren't you supposed to leave yesterday?
Hastily depositing what she had brought in the package for me and explaining the reason which was a rather anxious one, she left.

The package that she gifted felt like i was holding a just born infant. Even more because i could see what it contained. And for some time it lay daintily where i had put it till i was free enough to read, to assimilate how i was supposed to be with my suddenly dropping out of nowhere fragile and oh! such a wonderful bundle of joy.

This bundle had arrived  Fresh From - Holland i read. AVIFLORA...must be the florist i mused. Saw the graphics of all that Holland is famous for.
 i  have always identified Holland through some of these. Windmills and flowers, Cheese and dairy products, Canals and pointy roofs and definitely the CLOGS.
Was not aware of the others like the marine life as the graphics on the package depicted. Also was clueless about the horse drawn carriage.  
Thus i progressed precociously and patiently in the unwrapping as not to injure anything not even the wrappings...for the wraps were not one but three. Had to be...

But before reaching my bundle of joy i had to go through the feeding instructions. i had never handled such before and there was no one around me to guide me but these that came along with my bundle. 

It provided me with step by step instructions and diagrams about the weaning.

Finally with bated breadth i laid my eyes on the face.

Slowly and carefully i let my sight take in more...

Then the whole body with it's luscious, luxuriant limbs healthy and perfectly formed.   

My bundle of joy...oh God ! so pretty and so fresh like they're just born.  

 i had to hurry up for they would be lacking nourishment.

None of the containers i owned looked worthy or even snug enough but i had to make do with the best of what i had.
Also the feed had to be prepared first.
So after preparing the formula of the feed my happiness was sort of crammed in the one that i had. Deriving nourishment and getting refreshed  i hoped it could tolerate the discomfiture till i could  find a way to ease the discomfort.
It was a strange feeling. As if seeing it so close was not enough. Having it in my living room was not enough. i was overwhelmed. First with gratitude and all this beauty but later with some heaviness.

Soon i tried to ease the cramming and in order to ease the discomfort of my bundle of joy decided to let it crawl the entire habitable area of mine.

Like i said the strange feeling would not go and as the evening wore on i just kept hovering around moving apparently aimless but keeping a watch. i was not at peace.

Looking, feeling, wondering if my thank you was enough for the gift i had just received i was bewildered and perplexed with the slight nudge in the elbow of  my thoughts which was making my joyous castle of cards just tumble and fall helter skelter.
i was not flying but my feelings were. Rather they are still flying and perching on strange spots.

 Some wonderful moments with a dear friend of mine did come to the rescue and during the day today i was saved from the conflicting flood of emotions but as i am narrating now the opposites have returned with a vengeance. 
The pleasure of receiving but inside some pain too. 
Outwardly i have shared this joy with friends but the sorrow, the despair, the restlessness is all mine.

i feel like a bird in a cage who has doubts on her ability to fly. 
i have my wings but my muscles are weak and in order to fly i need to train my wings and stretch them slowly.

For the time-being it gives me lot of comfort as i listen to more of Rumi...


  1. Flowers:) i believe every flower holds a smile in itself and that is why it brings a smile on our faces too.
    "The pleasure of receiving but inside some pain too"..that is really touching. Hope whoever is the person whom you are referring to, reads your post for they would know how much the gift was valued and treasured way until your blog. The last two paragraphs have depicted your emotions too well.
    Besides, you have photographed them well too.They look lovely.
    A thing of beauty is a joy forever!!

    Coincidentally, I Just finished watching the BEE movie. A great animation movie and a thorough entertainer.Illuminates the importance of bees in pollination of flowers and also in the plant life cycle.So lets thank the responsible and busy bees at this moment! Besides,Great to see you buzzing with posts in the blogosphere again:)

  2. lucky you! To get real tulips as gift.Yes ,sometimes we do feel burdened by expensive gifts. Anyway ,very thoughtful of ur friend,to gift u such a unique thing.

  3. @Kiran lovely hearing all...the Bee... movie...pollination... oh yes! i have lots to tell about that too. And the day i do that i shall wish that you stop by again and contribute.
    Thank you for this and c u around. :)

  4. @Anonymous thank u Navita for sharing your thoughts.Hope to hear more from you soon.:)