Thursday, January 27, 2011

Was Happy Then, Am Contented Now

i was sitting like a snug couch potato watching the Golden Globe Awards when one thought struck me just like that. Which was to be good and ask all my friends, old and new to join me for lunch. The fact of the matter being  that i have realized quite recently that it is rather rude to leave the city without saying bye to your friends.
i was somehow successful in stalling the so many lunches and dinners i was being invited to for two simple reasons.
a) There was still some more time for me to stay put comfortably and,
b) i hate the idea of friends getting all hassled up to feed the two of us just because we were now moving out. i detest all that formality  For if i could i would love to just sit down for a pleasant conversation over a cuppa.

So when i had the brilliant idea it was my turn to be stalled as i balked at my own idea. This again for two very simple reasons.

a) Even before i could think of the numbers, uncannily the numbers felt exhaustive.
b) i was doubtful if my request would be accepted as i have been quite a truant for the last few years in this school called SOCIAL CIRCLE. Maybe i have been too self centered and selfish and too self indulgent in my own scheme of things...books...plants...embroidery...travelling...movies...theaters and more movies, to have time for anything else.
Did talk to friends easily if they called up or decided to come over but quite honestly have not really been reciprocating.

i doubted if my friends would oblige me for now i longed to bid adieu and also to explain my own story to my friends.
Is this necessary ?
i think for my own sake it is necessary.
That girl who enchanted them with her gift of the gab...who tickled their taste buds with her innovative cooking...who regaled them with music and dance...who even gifted some of them her own designed creations, once upon a time, was me.

And just like that slowly and gradually it all went some invisible needle pricking an inflated me.
i just lost interest and found enjoying my own company more and more. i sometimes wonder if such a phenomena happens with other people too.
And can someone single out a cause for that.
BTW do we really need to know the cause as if it was a disease that needed prevention or treatment?
If one is happy the way he/she is it should be fine i presume. For i don't think there is any equation that relates happiness to socializing. Rather i have experienced socializing sometimes to be agonizing.

i an unable to pinpoint any single incident that gave birth to this new phase of my life. This transition from being an extrovert to one that can now be nearing to be what they call a partial introvert. That which did not happen suddenly but gradually. There were no fights , no major upsets, everyone was as they should be but i just would not find things as attractive as they were. Oh! there was a time when i loved befriending people, having them over for dinner. Also equally enthusiastic about the return invitations that i looked forward to but now it's a totally new ball game altogether.
Even before i get invited i am concocting different combinations of lame excuses to avoid attending those.
Maybe it's just a phase and should see some changes later but for now it is myain aur meri tanhai ( me and my solitude)
So now what enthralls me is my quiet moments...strange but with music playing in the background they are quiet moments with my needle and thread, or books, or my babies (plants) and everything else that is a part of my humble home.
Doing, cleaning, rearranging with a better sense of organisation and later sitting back and enjoying the bliss of a neat and well settled home.
The uninterrupted sessions of great Hollywood movies are the best times of the day in which i drown myself into the screenplay and the histrionics what to talk of the reverberating- in- the- mind-for-the-day music.
My introductions to Thomas Newman, Hans Zimmer, Howard Shore, Edith Piaf, then a band called Explosions In The Sky, to name a few, happened during these self satisfying moments. Not that i hadn't heard them before but it is now that i can to a certain extent recognize some.
Yeah it is funny but although i am with me i am not stunted or lacking but i am growing i feel more and more.

So then why the sudden feeling that i owe my friends an explanation to my part of the story?

That girl who loved the comfort level that Chennai provided was me.
Needless to say then that apart from the privileges, facilities and infrastructure of a metro it is the friends and acquaintances that provide you that comfort level.
In no case i want them to feel responsible for my sudden shift. For really they were not.
What happened was something very personal...something beyond my comprehension to explain. The solitude felt beautiful and oh! so relaxing. Actually the correct word should be bliss.
When i was partying that was fun too but maybe i sort of over-partied and needed a break.
Or who knows that basically what i thought of about myself as that of being an extrovert, i am not.
Who knows.
All i know is that was good and this is good too. 

Surely my intention of this luncheon is just an attempt to stay in their hearts forever not as what they would call as suddenly- turned- recluse- friend who wouldn't come out of her shell but perhaps as the vibrant, exuberant friend they once knew. Maybe my story should be able to erase that discomfort i might have caused them when i backed out from various social events. i know that although i was happy being with myself, some of my friends longed for my company. i am so sure of that.
For that i do feel guilty after all.
So tomorrow i have picked as the day to make commends. It was not surprising that my friends welcomed me with open arms and have agreed to a girls day out .

Hopefully my farewell words to my friends should not land me with my foot in my mouth like what happened when Robert aka Bobby De Niro gave his acceptance speech after receiving the Cecil B DeMille Award for Lifetime Achievement.
i hope when or if anyone reads this, could explain to me, why his speech was dubbed as racist...for i thought when he spoke he was being just satirical and definitely not malicious.
Maybe i am just too big a fan of De Niro to accept his speech to be foul or maybe i have not understood clearly.
Can someone pls oblige me?
His speech can be seen at:

Sure when you are through with Bobby you can have a feel of the French singer and the legendary cultural icon Edith Piaf. As i said my solitude rewarded me with La Vie en rose, a film on World Movies on the TV. The film is about Edith Piaf's life and for the first time that i heard any of her was through this film during this time when i had enough time for myself.
So here it is Non, je ne regrette rein by the lady who is regarded as the greatest popular singer of France.

Image courtesy:


  1. in this journey of of life people go through trsnsition but the basic remain within. good people spread love and want to b loved. this is u. your endeavour is an inspiration.

  2. the second part of your life sounds like me !!! i love being with myself.... thinking, reading, sketching and enjoying beautiful flicks!!! i have been like that forever and trust me my friends loved me the way i was and i am .. though with increasing age now i make an effort to stay connected with them ... life is short and i now understand that they were my guiding force..angels... i am glad your friends are meeting up with you ... have a blast!!!! have a great great great get-together :)

  3. @Gauri oh! sweetie u always have such sweet, loving words that i start missing u just too much.
    Thank u sis for making time. Love You.

  4. @Sushmita thank you so much for stopping by and sharing yourself with me.
    And yes i did have a gr8 gr8 gr8 get-together. Feeling really just too good right now and so excited to tell you so. :)

  5. Shivani, have a great time bidding farewell to all your friends of Chennai. You and your Chennai friends must have many beautiful and positive memories to cherish.

  6. @Mini yeah i guess we all have such lovely memories to cherish.
    Thanks for stopping by :)

  7. Shivani:

    I have these phases quite too often. I did a post on that a few months ago. I love spending time with myself and can easily grow bored in company. The conversation, jokes and other things appal me. Inspite of all this, people consider me as the 'life' of any party, which again seems like a paradox.

    Shivani, life is filled with so many paradoxes . . . Oh and before I forget, hope you had a lovely meeting with your friends.

    Joy always,

  8. @Susan you sound so much like me.Thank you for stopping by and telling me that.
    Oh Yes!! the meeting went very well and that keeps me happy and very relaxed.
    Love to see u here and joys to you too...always:)

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