Just when you think you can sit back and relax with all the complacency you have got, you start once again with this virus called doubt. Doubts which are always lurking and come to the fore with the slightest of provocation. i was beginning to feel disciplined in following my routine where finally i had managed a place for religion/faith. Making promises to myself that i shall proceed from one holy book to the other i was quite satisfied with some promises fulfilled and some still beckoning. When lo! and behold! as if like a curse i am stricken with the plague of doubt. Am i religious or faking it? Am i following something or just repeating what has been handed down to me by birth? Do i think of God as an omniscent, omnipotent, omnipresent or is it my fear that makes me even think of Him/Her? Fear of the unknown , fear for the loved ones ... cowered with my own insecurities is it that what turns me to the Holy One ? After all, in all my prayers am i not asking for results? Results which are truly in my favour? So is this what we call faith or is it fear? i suppose faith was something like " i believe in sun even when it isn't shining .....". Of late i'm showing a penchant for Karma - what goes around comes around theory and that has in a way added fuel to this fire already there. Finding it convenient ,this Karma theory because i get my answers fast maybe it is a shortcut but that's the way it is. Maybe , it's that child in me denying the existence of that Big Brother who is watching you and waiting to set you right the moment you default or go against the rules? Maybe doubt will itself provide the answers when i'm able to understand fully the meaning of faith. i shall carry on with this questioning as to what it is that binds me to religion. i do have faith in this though that of all the wonderful things that has happened to mankind , it has started with a question be it how , what or when and the best of them all why. life has given me some answers and i still seek some and maybe as a seeker i might stike gold...Tathastu!!
For what it's worth, I must tell you that I do not believe in god. I used to, but don't anymore. It's very liberating! Scary at first, but very powerful. Doubt is beautiful.
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