OKAY...
i have been busy with Independence day.
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| Image:Jotirmoy Das 2014 Flag at Rajiv Chowk CP N.Delhi posted on Facebook for all... |
Then with my favorite Krishna...my God. Thank God i was independent enough to enjoy my National festival and the God festival both of which gave me flavors which i relished much to my delight.
But there was something that lurked in between and i asked it to stay put where it was...till i had done to my heart's content with all i wanted to do with my Krishna. Well Krishna is never over...not with me for i seek Him more often than ever now. But what i meant of the flavor was the special decorations and Pooja preparations that i do my way for Shri Krishna Janmashtami. No strict adherence of rules here but a lot of convenience and some creativity which actually takes care of my personal satisfaction . Don't really know if Krishna was satisfied or not but in doing what i was doing what irritation/frustration/disgust/bitterness that lurked inside was forgotten and for two days i was very joyous. For all i have chosen just the Prasadam pictures...because creativity is not what i feel like doing today.
What brought it all out was this article that i identified every bit with and the pain of having gone through with it passed over me once again although i have discarded being into that rut long time back understanding the futility of it all. It does not matter to me if in official circles i am sort of alienated because i know i have my own charisma and presence. For where ever i go i do get people who accept me with open hearts and arms.
What frustrated me most was this malaise which perhaps has also been like a British legacy and followed by the Indian Army Wives Organisation has very diligently been copied by all and sundry in the garb of such a noble task as 'Charity'. i know i am not making sense so please have a look at the article that was published in The Hindu on 16 Aug 2014.
i take back my words now...man is born free but he or she is everywhere in chains. Can we contradict this by Jean Jacques Rousseu? Are we really independent then if we are chained to phony duties which we are subjected to not because we lack in merit or intellect but just by dint of age and experience are as belonging to a class called ' Juniors' ?
The article opened a whole big Pandora box of my own personal memories...painful memories which included the one in which i had officially given a written resignation letter denouncing to be a member of any such NGO which asks me to stay away from home for long hours leaving my toddler baby at the mercy of a strange baby sitter who i had no inkling of. For some music practice from nine in the morning till late noon for an assortment of selected songs in different dialects chosen by the First lady of the organisation of course as it being a National Integration song. This was supposed to be presented by our NGO organisation when flag was hoisted on 26th January our Republic Day. i think more than it being a National Integration song the First lady wanted to make an impression on the public of Chennai as to how much deep into it she was, after all. The music first and yeah the National Integration too... . Well it all boils down to that. Isn't it. More than the real thing to advertise and show...proclaim to the world...Hail I the GREAT am here now!!.
It's like a game actually we all play...everybody is hell bent on recognition, fame. Everybody is after this creating an impression. i just keep thinking today even if she didn't people would have genuflected...cause she was the First lady.
i need to tell my story to reiterate that the poor Army wife's story...that Ms Karajagi is not lying and the three issues raised by her are very justified. And it's high time that all this bullying should be questioned and made to stop once and for all. i am here to join hands and say that all of it and more happens and it's true. Resentment has always been there. It gets subsided because of those crumbs that are thrown in the form of return favors. Those crumbs assume various forms...choice postings in a choice place and in a department of one's personal choice being the most sought after. Although by rule it's a transferable job but then there are people who have been stuck to the Capital for ages now...how does it all happen then...there are other murky ways and i'd rather not go into it but this also being one most important and easiest one to follow.
Please the top boss and then get what you want.
After my resignation of course i was left free to take care of my child and home but my husband was not spared either. Officially the Top boss tormented him as is usual of all the Hari Sadu bosses. Which includes insults and transfers to ' Go Where No One Has Gone Before' types. But we took it in our stride with my husband and me serving our respective duties silently just biding our time maybe because we knew very well that in time there will be an end to all that. The tenure for all top bosses is a short one Thank God for that !
There there was the other.
i mean First lady for they come and go as they have their terms and tenure. So while one made me write a written resignation letter another made me knit, plant, shop, do dry arrangement and cook too.
But this one was a Master in the art of Deceiving to make one agree to get what she is striving at. Well my story is interesting and you must listen to this. People who know it will all agree because they know it's true. They were there and they saw it happen. Some who empathized were the tormented ones others who got jealous because of the attention they thought i was unduly recieving from the echelon of the top seat of power and so thus they gave me, phrases as trophies, names as rewards, ' Boss kee Chamchee' , 'Chaploos'...
It was not that i was impervious but i would cry and just somehow console myself. There just was no way out. i was stuck knee deep into it already. There was no one to pull me out. No one.
When the pull out happened it happened out of my own accord. And yes my teaching Economics to Higher Secondary students also became a big huge legible excuse to stay way from it all.
i did pull out of it totally and completely out. Which is now. Not then when all this happened.
Then it happened like this...
One morning i was carrying with my domestic chores when a Maroon Mercedes stopped in front of my house and a uniformed driver in an immaculate white dress and a braided cap and all that finery rang the doorbell of my house. i was aghast when he said that the new First Lady had paid me a visit, she was waiting in the car and whether it was okay if she could come inside. i was feeling more than honored i actually was feeling sort of flattered. The neighbors had started peeping too. A vague feeling of some pride like i have won some trophy of some kind was making my cheeks flushed with anxiety and nervousness combined. While outside some crowd was also gathering to greet the lady. So i went ahead and ushered the First Lady home into my humble living room, at the moment feeling quite on top of the world. Greetings and pleasantries being over as we sat down, she posed the most equally flattering request to me. i still remember it. Can i ever forget being trapped...how i was trapped...words...how silkily they flowed those thin lips...or rather how judiciously they were used...to create a web of sorts.
" Shivani, i have been told by my Secretary that you have exquisite taste and you know a few art joints here in Chennai, so why don't you accompany me to one, i have to buy a piece for the Minister as a memento. I am new to this place and have visited Poompoohar but i was looking for something within my budget. Would you be knowing of any other place where i can get something unique which has the feel of The South yet not very expensive ? ... I see that you have done your house pretty well..."
i was like blown...completely blown. Thrown off track. Imagine a First Lady asking you to accompany her in her Mercedes. A FIRST LADY!! . She has a whole battalion to tell her, guide her, take her places and she chooses ME.
WHOA...
So while i served her snacks i asked her if she can give me some time to change i would be more than delighted to help her select and take her to one that has a wide variety at affordable rates but then we would have to finish the buying and be back home before my son was back from school.
Seemed like she had come fully prepared. She agreed readily. And after i had freshened and changed we both set out in that Mercedes to Victoria Technical Institute on Mount Road, Anna Salai. i kept suggesting stuff but sitting next to her i realized her mind was preoccupied.
Then after i fell silent in a matter of fact manner pretending to have a heart to heart conversation with me she then asked me to give reasons explaining why i had resigned from ' HER' Welfare Organization. Not before addressing me as an ' INTELLIGENT' and 'TALENTED' lady.
Not least bit suspicious or acting rather foolish and impulsive i narrated my angst, my whole story and fell silent because i was preventing the tears that had gathered and were ready to tumble down as i was reliving my husband's sufferings too.
Don't know if she saw my tears for both of us were actually staring straight towards the Chennai roads rather anxious for VTI. Victoria Technical Institute didn't arrive soon enough but before that the bomb was hastily dropped on me.
" I promise i will never ask you to stay way from home or leave your child, you will attend the meetings and those meetings won't be long, besides if you are not free you may choose to stay away. I am looking for a good Treasurer for my Organisation and no one seems suitable but you. Why don't you join back..."
Better late than never...
i received ENLIGHTENING after all sitting next to that overflowing, voluminous smiling Buddha in Blue. Yeah it was what she wore that day...a Mysore printed Crepe Silk Saree. Blue it was.
Enlightenment indeed !!!
In a plush air conditioned seat of smelling of that phoren perfume that my Buddha was wearing which pervaded the entire of that Maroon Mercedes. Yes it was maroon and not Burgundy!!
All this First lady visit...exquisite taste... help buying memento...all BULL SHIT...forgive me from using that language but that's what it was. i was being ROPED IN or i got TRAPPED...once again.
Did i fall for it...
Tragedy is...i did...i did.
Then after, not only did i do meetings, practices for songs and dances at the cost of home and family but i also cooked and knitted and embroidered and made pots, plant pots...what not...
She made us do all that. Me and the rest of my kind juniors way way below in that hierarchy ladder. Meaning if she knew a particular junior was good at making Papads that junior would be asked to make quite a quantity of Papads ( crackers) that could be sent to Toronto or perhaps to Mumbai. Or if someone knew a particular embroidery that ' Talented' one would be singled out to embroider a suit or Saree to be sent either to her daughter in Toronto or her daughter in law in Mumbai. Maybe some talented ones did receive a chance posting to hometown as a return favor. As for me i didn't even get a bungalow peon to help me assist. i continued juggling chores and dancing to the tunes of my Budhha's whims and fancies all with pleasant smiles lest my husband was shunted again to go where no man wants to go.
All these were we made to do but ' Pyaar Sey, Puchkaar Kar'. ( Something like placate and get work done). Personal gains at our cost.
Sometimes we had to wake up nights to finish the work. At least i had to because she would call up and say, '' Someone is leaving for Toronto day after tomorrow so pls finish the sweater and send me tomorrow..."
Yeah knit for her and cook for her visiting relatives too, local forgotten cuisines, sometimes even shop for her each time i went home to Patna. Which perhaps in my naivety i did. Like i said knitting God alone knows how many sweaters for the First Lady of the organisation so that she could send those sweaters to her own grandsons in Toronto and Mumbai. This when my son was only four months old and i had no help in hand.
Then buying Madhubani paintings in cloth, canvas and silk, even local Bihar pickle an assortment of sorts of mango chillies and lime, Thandai for Holi and savories too... i did all that because not only did i know how to refuse politely i actually did not know if a First lady can be NO ed to. i don't know still if they can be even today. Or perhaps i was a gutless junior officer's wife who was also scared like others that if i don't make the top bosses wife happy my husband shall be transferred to a silly non metro where my child's education might become a major problem and life would not be as fine as the metro promises for it to be. Education, Medical facilities, Entertainment, Transportation...all that jazz...
There were these endless dance practices, fashion show practices, Fund Raising, Farewell, Thanksgiving Evening practices...i'd rather restrain from making a list because parties are things that happen at the drop of the hat but who suffers the brunt of it all is the junior officers wives. They, who have toddlers and infants, school going kids, meaning all the youngsters who actually have more than they can handle at the moment. The senior officer wives at best sit in their air-conditioned homes, prepare a song or two but all the hard work, staying away from home, neglecting husband and family, the suffering, trauma and pain of all is borne rather very brilliantly and stoically by the junior officer's wives. Trust me on this, any such function in it's grand finale day is enjoyed eventually but while it is going on in it's preparation stages there is not a single woman who does not complain and crib. That's just another matter no one not a single one can muster enough courage to speak up against all the injustice that they suffer at the hands of the senior officers wives. In between the carpooling creates another hassles of sorts that are not only hilarious but equally pathetic. Junior officer wives are often battered by HOD's if any wife is picked up before or after...
This way or that battering keeps happening because of the SUPER BLOATED EGOS of the wives of the Head Of The Departments too. All relentless...with a never say die attitude so far as egos are concerned.
Not until now this lady from the army has decided to speak up. She is actually speaking on behalf of many others. i sincerely salute her courage. i am with her in her battle. My hands are raised.
Initially when i was flowing with the tide and doing all that singing and dancing i thought it was good for me for not only will i get to learn but i will be rewarded with BLESSINGS of elders in return. But i was wrong.
The motive here is just USE and THROW.
Nobody blesses anyone. Rather i am seeing seniors rather feeling jealous of junior these days. Or else how do you explain all that sizing up that is generally done in social gatherings of a smart junior who walks in and all eyes turn to look at her because she is actually stealing the show with her grace and elan. Or how do you explain that India vs Pakistan seating arrangement in social gatherings where senior ladies seat all bunched up in their high horses and even when they know the junior officer's wives no new junior is introduced to any senior? They won't even indulge in conversations with those they know from ages. They will remain bunched together stealthily eyeing the other party.
The senior officers wives will just pass you by without even nodding or saying a hello.
How do you explain this?
Some social gathering this...
No wonder then i have developed an intense allergy of some kind for these. i choose Theater, Plays, movies or just plain window shopping instead.
People have become just too depraved in Egos and moreover in their greed for things. All the hidden dormant desires come to the fore when they assume that the time is ripe for them and they make use of it that's all. No blessings are imparted. Juniors are just used. That's the whole truth.
i remember how the same Smiling Buddha in Blue went to her same Secretary's a simple Mangalore family's Dinner party and later made a whole lot of fun in a crowd about the poor junior's cuisine calling it '' Poor Presentation'', ''Tasteless'' and ''Bland''. That junior was her husband's Secretary's wife who in the honor of the Smiling Blue Buddha had prepared all that she knew of her Mangalorean cuisine and had invited us too along with a few others. She and her Secretary to the Top Boss husband had put in a lot of effort into it and i know it because we were friends and we shared recipes. The food was tasty and well thought out only thing it was not a ostentatious display of cutlery and food decoration that this Buddha was used to.
But just a few days later the same lady who was laughed at for her poor cooking skills and simplicity was asked to prepare her special Mangalorean '' Bland Chicken Stew'' and" Dosas" for the whole family once again for the First lady's daughter in law when the daughter in law came visiting and felt like eating authentic Mangalorean cuisine. The food had to be prepared and nicely packed and sent to the BIG BUNGALOW.
How cheap and crass is that !!
That's why i say no one blesses anyone these days even. People are used for personal gain and then the poor one is at best laughed and sniggered at and what to talk of blessing not even efforts are appreciated. Rather simplicity is damned.
Even that day when my friend was sniggered at i writhed in anger and disgust. i had remembered Krishna that day too. i had remembered Him simply because He had snatched and eaten the three morsels of coarse rice that Sudama was hiding out of sheer embarrassment and shame. Krishna had understood that it was an offering lovingly packed by Sudama's wife. He had then showered His pauper friend Sudama with three blessings which took care of Sudama's poverty, homelessness and unemployment for the rest of Sudama's life .
But who remembers those examples set by the Lord anymore. i mean not of the blessings let alone but also of sharing the simple offerings of a friend even.
i wished i had the guts to speak the story...maybe wrap it up like how they coat bitter pills with a sweet coating. i wish ...i wish...
Just because they know they cannot be refused, they put forth these requests which are like polite commands and like i said because one is afraid of so many reasons and wants the top boss to remain happy he or she obliges.
Sad, pathetic it is.
There is a lot of cross cutting , a lot of politics, back biting and as for growth not much of it happens in these organisations. Mine never had book reading, or lectures that are major eye openers. Or even certain drives that can improve the condition of your own locality.
What really happened was competitions of all kinds. Like cooking, vegetable carving, Henna, dance, singing so on and so forth. Which actually gave rise to a lot of unhealthy jealousy.
The aftermath of the entire i could feel was manipulation, personal gains in the form of choice postings and related to that all that sycophancy and genuflection.
Definitely i can't deny there are people who love all that atmosphere. Because the world is full of people who look for shortcuts to success. If by pleasing the boss and his wife it is then so be it. But i was not raised that way.
That is where the buck stops .
Maybe i was raised to be a problem child.
Today however i don't think of that to be a 'Problem' anymore. i suffered maybe because i thought that i was a problem child after all. When others were happy doing it why was i the one to feel so bad about it.
i am relieved today because of an enlightenment that comes with age. No Buddha does it to you but probably your sum total of your own experiences and your own up bringing combined does it to you. A friend had shared this poster on Facebook which says it all and i would love to use it here.
i was raised as a bureaucrat's daughter where i received an entirely different education. My education consisted of the following.
a) Respect all elders irrespective of their post or designation, so even to our staff whom the office gives the designation as 'Peon' i was raised never to address him or her by his stand alone name but add a Jee to it. Thus Heera Jee or Meena Jee....
b) The staff was strictly advised not to do our personal chores, which meant we had to polish our own shoes and carry our own school bags.
d) Official vehicle and stationery strictly not to be used for domestic purposes.
d) It is not proper for any lady to address any man no matter who he might be as 'Sir'. A lady should NEVER sir anybody even if he is the President of America. Mr Obama he would be or Mr President...
c) A lady should be escorted to any social function by her husband/ fiance and that she should not go there alone. Especially to one in which there are drinks and cocktails.
And the most important,
d) Office matters are dealt and wrapped up in the Secretariat/ Office never to be discussed at home and the wife is never to know anything of what's happening in that office of her husband. She should take care of his food and home and kids. By choice she should remain blissfully ignorant of the postings, designations and all that jazz. She should meet one and all with the same simplicity and clarity with which she meets her neighbors and talk of general affairs. And if there is nothing she can contribute in parties where such talks go on then she should keep quiet and listen the jibber jabber with one ear and filter it out from the other...
Seriously, i saw this and grew up in such a surrounding where i did not see my father use my Ma either as an arm candy for parties nor did he ask her to throw innumerable dinner parties for his bosses. Time bound promotion, his sincerity, hard work, knowledge about his region, department...call it whatever he moved up without having to suck up to anyone. Not even any political big wig. Had he wanted any prized posting, not that i am not aware of . Did he lose out on anything while his colleagues those who did suck up gained i am not sure of. For all i know everybody has their highs and lows. Because i believe that's nature's way. Some amount of sun and some rain all have it in their share. Those who do suck up and those who don't. i mean i read the same newspaper and see the TV news which informs me of these raids that happen to people who have sucked up and made crores and have huge properties and their wives are always seen on page three in the trendiest of clothes holding the wine glasses. So basically my point is there is no need actually to suck up. How far can one go. There comes a point even with all that sucking up that you come down and fall flat. Sensible approach would be to walk head held high where you can look one straight in the eye and talk with conviction.
There's just another point that hurts me actually which i must stress lest it loses it's importance. All this NGO business happening in the various organisations an aping of the army procedure i suppose, i consider it to be a farce. Although Army Officer's Wives Associations are doing commendable community service and i can't deny that. But the problem with copycat ing is that only superficial is copied. If at all you got to copy why can't you look into the sorry plight of the widows of your own organisation ? Or can you claim to have outstanding schools the kinds run by Army officer's wives? No. Truth is Welfare Organisations of all kinds have just mushroomed in all departments. These again are all done with vested interests. Money is made and some amount of that money made donated, pictures taken and then published. It beats the entire essence of this noble gesture of charity where even the left hand should not know what the right hand is giving. No body discusses how that huge amount of money is generated and there is no transparency either of where or how it is spent. Some jiggery pokery is done to show some audit crap which is a known and accepted fact.
Besides charity actually begins at home. What kind of charity calls for ignoring principles, family and then stressing oneself out to do fashion show for the entertainment purpose for an evening get together where booze would flow and men would be a bit loose. i fail to understand this.
Then coming back to my own experience in my own organisation when i was dancing to that tune i had mooted the idea of helping to manage the supervision for bettering some of whatever we could in our spare time of our own.
i had read in Reader's Digest about the Army Officer's wives doing splendid jobs in a specific region of Pakistan and converting that area of theirs where nothing grew into a beautiful colony well landscaped with flowers of all kinds and thus citing that example i had made one suggestion.
This being that crores of rupees are spent in the construction of rest houses for officers who travel on duty. But the maintenance as is with all government department is very poor. i admitted that even when i traveled i preferred to spend money and abstain from using those rest houses myself because the bed sheets stank , the toilets were bad, the TV's/ Ac's in the room would not be functioning and the floors in the room would be having an inch of dust and cobwebs. i had suggested that apart from donating a wheel chair here and a TV there we must as wives take this up and on a roster basis look into the maintenance of the rest houses in our jurisdiction. Maybe just supervise on a weekly basis. Likewise whatever belongs in our purview we must first fix our own home areas first. This was the idea i had mooted but i got no response from those who should have pushed the initiative, taken it up and given it a full monty GO. But that was then when i was dancing to their tunes.
But it still tears my heart apart to see the condition of these rest houses. And not only that but the rest of all that belongs to the Govt. Because what belongs to the Govt actually really is OURS because it is from our own tax money. But who cares who understands. For people own home means, their own private apartment/ bungalow or villa. Anything that belongs to the Govt is not people's is it ?
i have an analysis about why rest houses/ Bungalows are in sorry state of affairs. Only for the Top Bosses visit/stay everything is made spic and span and another magic also happens in these rest houses. The whitest of white fresh towels also suddenly materialize the dearth of which is often seen in these rest houses. That makes the top bosses stay very comfortable. After that the top bosses don't bother so why should anybody. It belongs to the government...govt rest houses are all like that...haaah...dust...cobwebs... paan spittle...bad toilets...no towels...
Chalta hai..
In all cases that's how it works. Who ever reaches the top is happy and content to see that his/ her house, his or her life. travel, is comfortable well taken care of. They are just not bothered if it is trickling down to the rest in the chain.
That's why Government property is always poorly maintained. Not unless it is some top official's or a politician's house.
The army lady officer's wife who has spoken up on behalf of so many has raised an issue. But i know it will all be hushed up. As it is this was published in the Comment section of 'The Hindu' and relegated to the 9th page. i just wished it was put on the first page. Perhaps then it would've grabbed the attention of the nation. But there is another thing. She and i might be a tiny minority. The way the world is aiming for short cuts to success who is there to listen to our cries for help which will haplessly be silenced in the party all night party all night at the cost of others din.
One day i am going to be the senior most officer's wife too.
i hope so.
Not unless Krishna takes me out of this messy state of affairs and puts me along side with Him. But O God i am such a sinner and no Meera either so i guess i am going to be one. i shall remember not to utilize the talents of any junior officer's wife for any personal gain not even if she knows how to do a Kerala Mural. Gosh i love that art...and it's so expensive if you have to buy it...
But my prayer at the moment to my Lord is not one but two...
1) This issue which has been raised by the lady... that it be heard by one and all and also believed too and that people should come to their senses and stop this nonsensical NGO ing of this sort once for all. Freedom is the birthright of one and all. Let those who are happy doing it do and the rest should not be punished /penalised/ pulled up/ insulted/ alienated...
2) And Dear Dear Lord Krishna The Savior, when and if i am one such Senior which makes me sit on that Maroon Mercedes don't give me those HORNS. Yeah those invisible horns that perhaps has that spell to size up junior officer wives in the most sad manner and sometimes go to the sorry lengths of ignoring them completely. Krishna you know it... that's why i hate all these parties...where a sad case of seating arrangement is made and you are made to feel ' NOT BELONGING' even when it is supposed to be a social evening and there is nothing absolutely nothing official about it.
But on second thoughts O' Krishna wouldn't it be better if you could actually listen to this song...because it is my song too... not for now and not for this alone but i think for quite some time now...pls pls...it's my song too. Help me i can't compose like Meera did...
"Tum suno Tum suno
Tum suno dayal mhaari arjee
Mhaari arjee Mhaari arjee
Suno dayal mhaari arjee
Mhaari arjee Mhaari arjee
Bhavsaagar mein bahee jaat hoon
Kaadho na kaadhoo
Thaari Marjee
Kadhoo na Kadhoo ji
Kadhoo na Kadhoo
Thaari marjee thaari marjee
Mhaari arjee mhaari arjee
Inn sansaar sagga naahin koi (3)
Saanchaa sadaa Girdhar jee
Saancha sadaa Girdhar jee
Mhaari arjee Mhaari arjee (4)
Tum suno dayal...
Maata pitaa aur kutumb kabilon (4)
Sab Matlab kay garjee
Mhaari arjee Mhaari arjee (3)
Meera, Meera, Meera key, Meera key Prabhu Arjee suniya
Charna lagawo tharee marjee
Mhaari arjee Mhaari arjee...''
Tum Suno Suno Re...
Tum Suno Dayal....
Amen !!
